Black Licorice Matters, and My Repentance

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I should have known that yesterday’s sermon might get me in trouble. Lessons on baptism always have the potential to create controversy. Contrary to recent reports, my views on the sacrament have not changed, and what I taught yesterday was consistent with the Westminster Standards and (the best representatives of) the Reformed tradition. But I knew it was possible some might express concerns or objections, and they sure did.

It started as soon as morning worship ended. Echoes of the Doxology were still in the air when I began hearing complaints. Our congregation has put up with a lot over the last ten years. They have weathered controversy surrounding their pastor before. It isn’t easy to love someone committed to wearing sweater vests in Arizona, especially ones that he’s owned since high school, but the longsuffering of the ROPC saints has known no bounds… until now.

In retrospect, I should have known I was pushing too hard, too far. I should have been content to simply abide in the language of Scripture and of the Confession. Eventually, it would be too much and even my dearest friends and most ardent supporters would be compelled to turn their back to me. I hoped we never would see that day, but it has finally come. Like Mel Gibson’s character in The Patriot, “I have long feared my sins would return to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear.”

I thought the analogy I offered was appropriate and should have been acceptable. Granted, even the most spiritual of believers still experience the lingering effects of a sinful nature, so there is always the possibility that someone might feel convicted by my illustration. But who can honestly believe there ever would have been black licorice if Adam had not broken covenant by eating the forbidden fruit? We live in a fallen world, and I know of no better evidence than the celebration of embalmed vegetables, the domestication of uppity felines, and the existence of black jelly beans.

Alas, I cannot defend my statement in view of the controversy it has produced. I am confident I spoke the truth, but now I must question whether I did so in love. When I pointed out that the Body of Christ is a mixed bag and sometimes has black licorice in it, one of the young ladies in our congregation immediately observed, “That’s just what a Federal Visionist would say!” When I shared the rapidly erupting frustration with our church officers, several of them joined the chorus of complainants and proudly affirmed their appreciation for the flavor of black licorice. (Even now I can scarcely believe they did so, but I saw it with my own eyes.) Men who have endured questions about me for years indicated this was the final straw. They had supported me through fire and flood, but this was a bridge too far. They could not follow. In despair I shared my pain with my own family, and in a scene reminiscent of the opening lines of The Pilgrim’s Progress, one of my sons replied: “I would just like to state that I like black licorice.” That’s when I realized how serious the situation is. Not only have I alienated many of the brethren whom I love, but I may be disqualified from ministry by the disorder in my own house. I am undone.

All of us have learned a lot about public apologies in the last several years. I want all of you to know that I am committed to doing better. I am listening to you. I am entering a season of listening. I want this to be a safe space for you to share your feelings about black jelly beans and all of the other things that offend you. I realize now that my views are outdated, oppressive, and hurtful. Some people like black jelly beans, and they may even choose to eat them with pickles while stroking Fluffy, the CEO of their house. We should all be accepting of each other, and I must lead the way. Black jelly beans are jelly beans, and licorice (as I was educated last night) is derived from a plant, which means it is consistent with a pre-lapsarian, Edenic world.

I have erred greatly… even in how I pronounce the word erred, as many of you know… but I am committed to doing the work of rebuilding trust. It will not be easy. It may take a long time. I may have to step away from ministry for a while and build my brand on Facegram and Twit-tok before launching a new church in which all flavors of jelly beans are welcomed and accepted and those who hate pickles are shunned. Thank you, in advance, for your patience with me. I hear you. I will do better. I am grateful for those who love me enough to tell me when I am an idiot. This is the first day of the rest of my life.  –JME

Roe v. Wade and Winsomeness

The Supreme Court of the United States has struck down the abomination that was the Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey decisions of 1973 and 1992, respectively. This has the effect of returning regulation of abortion to the states which will, inevitably, result in banning or severely restricting the practice in a number of states, thirty of which had laws against abortion on the books when the Court made its first, infamous, decision to legalize and federally protect it fifty years ago. The reversal of these decisions is a tremendous victory for constitutional law and is the result of decades of diligent pro-life advocacy and countless prayers. Even liberal jurists who supported the practice of abortion acknowledged that Roe was badly decided. While the Supreme Court’s decision is far from national repentance for the great evil of half a century of sanctioned bloodshed, it is a critical moment in restoring just laws and reversing federal overreach and protection of violence against the innocent. There is more work to be done, but overturning Roe and Casey is a major step in the right direction.

Since the decision was announced on Friday morning, many winsome and irenic Christians have winsomely and irenically offered wisdom online to help their barbarian, fundamentalist brethren navigate the contours of this issue, nuancing our discussions of infanticide in a way that shows sympathy, empathy, and wimpathy to our neighbor orcs. Their wise counsel may be helpful in discovering other areas where Christians have been unsympathetic and unwinsome, viewing morally complex issues with the reductionistic language of truth and right and wrong, and going so far as to assert that our views are more just and moral than those of unbelievers. So in the interest of being similarly winsome, I would like to take a moment to encourage us all to be a bit more nuanced in how we think and speak about the Holocaust.

First, we should acknowledge that, speaking as Christians, we think that mass murder and genocide are wrong and sinful. I am not speaking to public policy, and my comments should not be taken as trying to bind the conscience of others based on my own religious convictions. But as a private citizen, I am entitled to have my own moral convictions, so long as I agree to keep them private. And I am here to state quietly but fairly clearly that I think rounding up Jews and other minority groups in order to incarcerate, torture, machine gun, or gas them is a very bad thing.

Second, we should be very aware of and concerned about the dangers of pride. It would be easy to look down on the Nazis and say, “God, I thank you that I am not like them!” We must not deceive ourselves. After all, who among us has not fantasized about conquering an entire continent and attempting to exterminate entire people groups from the face of the earth?

Third, we should remember that not all Germans were Nazis, not all Nazis were bad people, and even many of the Nazi soldiers, surgeons, and executioners who did bad things may have been very sincere, albeit misguided, in their beliefs and actions. Beware of thinking that it is obvious that raping women, separating families, transporting refugees in cattle cars, torturing the vulnerable, and sending millions to their death by gunning them down in mass graves or marching them into gas chambers is morally inappropriate. Many of those who did such things probably had difficult childhoods, undiagnosed trauma in the aftermath of the First World War, or found themselves in need of work and unsure of how else to provide for themselves. We need more sympathy, empathy, and wimpathy for those who found themselves in the difficult but completely understandable position of torturing and murdering the helpless.

Fourth, we should not be so crass and reductionistic as to imagine that the Holocaust was only about terminating de-humanized minorities. The Nazi regime was the largest provider of healthcare services in eastern Europe. Their relocation camps provided affordable housing for millions of refugees. Their government service programs employed hundreds of thousands of people. And their programs stimulated the American economy, ended the Great Depression, and created a boom in federal and military industrial complex production.  It would be hard to calculate how much good this regime did for the world economy.

Fifth, we should remember that while the Church has special revelation to guide her thinking on matters of morality and faith, the common kingdom is governed by natural law as perceived, understood, and applied by unregenerate people. Yes, there is a moral law, but it’s too much to expect unbelievers to know that it forbids things like murder. The Church is not to intrude in matters of the State, nor is the pulpit an appropriate place for politics. It is not the Church’s place to offer opinions on national policies for populations in places where it hopes to expand. Who are we to say what a government should do? Romans 13, after all. What we need is less moralizing application in the sermon and more reminders that we are only a pilgrim people and that while the gospel is God’s power to save, it isn’t very powerful beyond that.

Sixth and finally, Christians should never rejoice when wicked men are defeated. Do not boast when the wicked city which shed the blood of the innocent is cast down (Rev. 18:21-19:6). Do not pray for God to slay wicked and bloodthirsty men (Psa. 94; 139:19). Do not hate those who hate the Lord (Psa. 139:21-22), but rather love them, befriend them, and help them to see that we are allies who share the same values and concerns (2Chr. 19:2). The way some unenlightened Christians are celebrating right now, you would think they rejoice in vengeance and almost expect them to want to bathe their feet in the blood of the wicked (Psa. 58:10)!

Does this offend you? I truly hope so. You can be sure that when you speak about abortion in these ways, many of us are equally ashamed of you. –JME

Temple Prostitution Makes a Comeback

“A brothel in Austria has begun operating as a COVID-19 vaccination center – with the added incentive of a free 30-minute session in the ‘sauna club’ with a ‘lady of their choice’ for anyone who takes them up on the offer” (source). Perhaps unsurprisingly, the brothel reports that “the scheme has been popular.” Those who take advantage of the offer are given the additional incentive of being “legally allowed to visit the ‘sauna club’ once more.” One of the employees told Reuters:

“I think it's a very good idea to have a vaccination street in the Fun Palast, because the name fun palace suggest to have a bit of fun here and return back to normality a bit more. And I also think it's a great idea that this is being offered for women, children and of course men.”

The altruism of this program can scarcely be overstated. Small business owners and sex workers are uniting to promote public health in the shared belief that COVID is a greater threat than sexually transmitted diseases or eternal damnation. One wonders how many of the women and children eligible for the program are also visiting Fun Palast to take advantage of the offer. Given the urgent importance of our public health crisis, one might envision entire households visiting the brothel together in the interests of their family’s welfare.

Of course, those with even a smattering of Bible knowledge or familiarity with religion in the ancient world will recognize the model. Appolyon has used it before, quite effectively, though it did not work out so well in cities like Corinth and Ephesus where, despite a lively sex trade in the temples, Christianity managed to gain a foothold and draw large numbers of worshippers out of the temple cult and into Christian congregations. Temple prostitution is nothing new. It is very old. The Dragon hasn’t managed to come up with anything truly new in a very long time. He simply recycles storylines like a Disney screenwriter working on the latest Star Wars film.

Temple prostitution invites worshippers to pledge allegiance and demonstrate their devotion to the gods by means of sexual communion with the priests and priestesses of the temple. It is like a lot of churches today which assure you that God’s desire is for you to be happy, and nothing says happiness like having sex with a stranger after getting poked in the arm with a needle. But make no mistake, the offer will cost you more than you expect. The first time is always free, or so they want you to think, but in reality although “the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil… in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell” (Prov. 5:3-5).

Set aside for a moment questions about the immunological value of the COVID vaccines. I regard taking the vaccine or not as a matter of personal liberty determined by each individual’s calculation. But the question of mandates aimed to vaccinate everyone, regardless of natural immunity, personal circumstances, or individual liberty is a religious mission which urges, propositions, or demands that citizens of the world bow the knee and pledge fealty to the lords of science in order to participate in the world’s economy and human society. You must burn the pinch of incense to Caesar or find yourself exiled from the world.

Entrepreneurs in Austria have only highlighted the lack of creativity in our American authorities. Imagine how much more popular President Biden’s vaccine mandate might have been if it had included a 30 minute private session in a sauna club. Instead, our executive officer decided to inspire cooperation by threatening companies with heavy fines designed to drive them out of business and threaten employees who do not comply with termination. Fun Palast in Austria has found a gentler approach to wooing participation. But make no mistake, both gambits are wicked and immoral, both are fundamentally religious in nature, and both are in defiance of the King’s rule and law. Both programs should be treated with the contempt they deserve, as devices of the Devil designed to waylay weak souls, offers and demands which like their maker are destined for Hell. --JME

Admittedly, Stoning was a Bit Harsh

Update: This article was originally posted on Tuesday, March 16, 2021 at 1620. The following morning the Canadian government announced they are releasing Pastor Coates without conditions and dropping all but one of the charges against him. -JME

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This article is satire, although saying so is a bit like having to explain a joke. Those who question the propriety of sanctified sarcasm may consult the OT prophets, the writings of the Apostle Paul, the oral discourse of the Lord Jesus, and the last two thousand years of Church history for relevant precedents.

Pastor James Coates of Grace Life Church in Edmonton is still in jail, more than a month after surrendering himself to Canadian authorities. Charged under criminal statute, Coates was informed last week that he will be kept incarcerated until his trial in early May. He was kept in solitary confinement for the first two weeks of his imprisonment, an understandable precaution lest his dangerous advocacy of in-person worship and maskless singing prove contagious. We can safely assume Pastor Coates hates old people and the immuno-compromised. He seems to think corporate worship is a higher priority than physical health and survival. If he read his Bible more, he would know that life is but a vapor than soon vanishes away, and we certainly can’t take any chances given its already fleeting and fragile nature. Pastor Coates has been able to video chat with his wife and children, a fine substitute for in-person relationships and parenting, and a very gracious permission by his benevolent wardens. There has been no word on whether Pastor Coates loves Big Brother yet or not.

Last month The Gospel Coalition published a helpful article summarizing the salient facts of the story and helping sensitive Christians know how to respond. The post was winsome, nuanced, and entirely inoffensive, unless you are one of those angry, legalistic fundamentalists that think civil magistrates shouldn’t put pastors in jail for holding church services. It is important to understand that local authorities were allowing churches to meet at 15% capacity, and most other churches were glad to comply. Pastor Coates’s disobedience was completely unnecessary. If he really thought it necessary for everyone to attend, he could have had seven services every Lord’s Day. Christians ought to obey the civil authorities. After all, they are God’s ministers too. If they decide only 15% of the people can attend church on Sunday, that is just like a command from God. If they say you must wear masks when you sing, that is as good as having it written down in Third Corinthians. If they decide every Christian ought to wear a gold cross on his or her clothing…. The Chinese government didn’t forbid its citizens to have children. Every family was allowed to have one. It is clear we need more respect for government authority in the church today.

How should believers respond to the Canadian government’s prosecution of Pastor Coates (and his congregation)? Evidently with condescension and pity. TGC made it clear that although thoughtful, intelligent, and sensitive Christians (like those who read TGC) will probably disagree with Pastor Coates’s defiance of the civil authorities, we should still be concerned by his imprisonment. Such an act is understandably “unsettling.” But we should not be alarmed. Canada has a constitution, and the courts are “incapable of limiting or infringing the constitution.” It’s a comfort to know constitutions keep wannabe tyrants at bay. That is why Canada has never needed anything like the 2nd Amendment, because they have a constitution. TGC counsels us to pray for Pastor Coates and his family and for the civil authorities. If you are very zealous, you might even sign a letter petitioning the Premier to intervene in the case.

It is time for Christians to adopt a wiser, more nuanced, more compassionate understanding of Church-State relations. After all, the Council did not object to Stephen believing in Jesus; they only asked him not to proselytize in the Synagogue of the Freedmen. The deacon may have been zealous and sincere, but there might have been a more peaceful and productive outcome if he had been a bit more temperate. Admittedly, stoning him was a bit harsh, but damning your audience for resisting the Holy Spirit is hardly being “harmless as a dove.” One wishes more of the martyrs were as wise as we are today. --JME