Temple Prostitution Makes a Comeback

“A brothel in Austria has begun operating as a COVID-19 vaccination center – with the added incentive of a free 30-minute session in the ‘sauna club’ with a ‘lady of their choice’ for anyone who takes them up on the offer” (source). Perhaps unsurprisingly, the brothel reports that “the scheme has been popular.” Those who take advantage of the offer are given the additional incentive of being “legally allowed to visit the ‘sauna club’ once more.” One of the employees told Reuters:

“I think it's a very good idea to have a vaccination street in the Fun Palast, because the name fun palace suggest to have a bit of fun here and return back to normality a bit more. And I also think it's a great idea that this is being offered for women, children and of course men.”

The altruism of this program can scarcely be overstated. Small business owners and sex workers are uniting to promote public health in the shared belief that COVID is a greater threat than sexually transmitted diseases or eternal damnation. One wonders how many of the women and children eligible for the program are also visiting Fun Palast to take advantage of the offer. Given the urgent importance of our public health crisis, one might envision entire households visiting the brothel together in the interests of their family’s welfare.

Of course, those with even a smattering of Bible knowledge or familiarity with religion in the ancient world will recognize the model. Appolyon has used it before, quite effectively, though it did not work out so well in cities like Corinth and Ephesus where, despite a lively sex trade in the temples, Christianity managed to gain a foothold and draw large numbers of worshippers out of the temple cult and into Christian congregations. Temple prostitution is nothing new. It is very old. The Dragon hasn’t managed to come up with anything truly new in a very long time. He simply recycles storylines like a Disney screenwriter working on the latest Star Wars film.

Temple prostitution invites worshippers to pledge allegiance and demonstrate their devotion to the gods by means of sexual communion with the priests and priestesses of the temple. It is like a lot of churches today which assure you that God’s desire is for you to be happy, and nothing says happiness like having sex with a stranger after getting poked in the arm with a needle. But make no mistake, the offer will cost you more than you expect. The first time is always free, or so they want you to think, but in reality although “the lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil… in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell” (Prov. 5:3-5).

Set aside for a moment questions about the immunological value of the COVID vaccines. I regard taking the vaccine or not as a matter of personal liberty determined by each individual’s calculation. But the question of mandates aimed to vaccinate everyone, regardless of natural immunity, personal circumstances, or individual liberty is a religious mission which urges, propositions, or demands that citizens of the world bow the knee and pledge fealty to the lords of science in order to participate in the world’s economy and human society. You must burn the pinch of incense to Caesar or find yourself exiled from the world.

Entrepreneurs in Austria have only highlighted the lack of creativity in our American authorities. Imagine how much more popular President Biden’s vaccine mandate might have been if it had included a 30 minute private session in a sauna club. Instead, our executive officer decided to inspire cooperation by threatening companies with heavy fines designed to drive them out of business and threaten employees who do not comply with termination. Fun Palast in Austria has found a gentler approach to wooing participation. But make no mistake, both gambits are wicked and immoral, both are fundamentally religious in nature, and both are in defiance of the King’s rule and law. Both programs should be treated with the contempt they deserve, as devices of the Devil designed to waylay weak souls, offers and demands which like their maker are destined for Hell. --JME

Admittedly, Stoning was a Bit Harsh

Update: This article was originally posted on Tuesday, March 16, 2021 at 1620. The following morning the Canadian government announced they are releasing Pastor Coates without conditions and dropping all but one of the charges against him. -JME

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This article is satire, although saying so is a bit like having to explain a joke. Those who question the propriety of sanctified sarcasm may consult the OT prophets, the writings of the Apostle Paul, the oral discourse of the Lord Jesus, and the last two thousand years of Church history for relevant precedents.

Pastor James Coates of Grace Life Church in Edmonton is still in jail, more than a month after surrendering himself to Canadian authorities. Charged under criminal statute, Coates was informed last week that he will be kept incarcerated until his trial in early May. He was kept in solitary confinement for the first two weeks of his imprisonment, an understandable precaution lest his dangerous advocacy of in-person worship and maskless singing prove contagious. We can safely assume Pastor Coates hates old people and the immuno-compromised. He seems to think corporate worship is a higher priority than physical health and survival. If he read his Bible more, he would know that life is but a vapor than soon vanishes away, and we certainly can’t take any chances given its already fleeting and fragile nature. Pastor Coates has been able to video chat with his wife and children, a fine substitute for in-person relationships and parenting, and a very gracious permission by his benevolent wardens. There has been no word on whether Pastor Coates loves Big Brother yet or not.

Last month The Gospel Coalition published a helpful article summarizing the salient facts of the story and helping sensitive Christians know how to respond. The post was winsome, nuanced, and entirely inoffensive, unless you are one of those angry, legalistic fundamentalists that think civil magistrates shouldn’t put pastors in jail for holding church services. It is important to understand that local authorities were allowing churches to meet at 15% capacity, and most other churches were glad to comply. Pastor Coates’s disobedience was completely unnecessary. If he really thought it necessary for everyone to attend, he could have had seven services every Lord’s Day. Christians ought to obey the civil authorities. After all, they are God’s ministers too. If they decide only 15% of the people can attend church on Sunday, that is just like a command from God. If they say you must wear masks when you sing, that is as good as having it written down in Third Corinthians. If they decide every Christian ought to wear a gold cross on his or her clothing…. The Chinese government didn’t forbid its citizens to have children. Every family was allowed to have one. It is clear we need more respect for government authority in the church today.

How should believers respond to the Canadian government’s prosecution of Pastor Coates (and his congregation)? Evidently with condescension and pity. TGC made it clear that although thoughtful, intelligent, and sensitive Christians (like those who read TGC) will probably disagree with Pastor Coates’s defiance of the civil authorities, we should still be concerned by his imprisonment. Such an act is understandably “unsettling.” But we should not be alarmed. Canada has a constitution, and the courts are “incapable of limiting or infringing the constitution.” It’s a comfort to know constitutions keep wannabe tyrants at bay. That is why Canada has never needed anything like the 2nd Amendment, because they have a constitution. TGC counsels us to pray for Pastor Coates and his family and for the civil authorities. If you are very zealous, you might even sign a letter petitioning the Premier to intervene in the case.

It is time for Christians to adopt a wiser, more nuanced, more compassionate understanding of Church-State relations. After all, the Council did not object to Stephen believing in Jesus; they only asked him not to proselytize in the Synagogue of the Freedmen. The deacon may have been zealous and sincere, but there might have been a more peaceful and productive outcome if he had been a bit more temperate. Admittedly, stoning him was a bit harsh, but damning your audience for resisting the Holy Spirit is hardly being “harmless as a dove.” One wishes more of the martyrs were as wise as we are today. --JME