Western civilization took another step toward a more just society when news outlets reported on Thursday that the toy company Hasbro is rebranding the popular Mr. Potato Head line by dropping the Mr. and simply calling the line Potato Head. Mr. Potato Head has long been a symbol of misogyny, heteronormativity, and white supremacy. Its fans have tried to obscure the oppressive and hateful nature of this icon of the imperialist west for decades by claiming it is only a toy, but those who have awakened to the truth know better. Mr. Potato Head was always a tool for promoting oppression and norms that are antithetical to enlightened society.
Intelligent observers have long noticed that Mr. Potato Head was always mentioned first and never the female variety of the product. Moreover, the female Potato Head was always represented as Mrs., a designation built on 1950s gender and family stereotypes, and never by the more just and socially acceptable Ms. Not only that, but Potato Head figures came in only two genders, grossly distorting the reality that there are more than two genders of potatoes; indeed, there may be dozens or even hundreds, as in the case of people. You never saw two Mr. Potato Heads packaged together as a set, never two Ms. Potato Heads as partners, never an androgenous Potato Head, never a threesome. But this is only the beginning when it comes to describing Hasbro’s vicious promulgation of oppressive and heteronormative paradigms.
Potatoes, as everyone knows, are the only vegetables appreciated and eaten by conservatives bigots, misogynists, and racists. Why? Because potatoes can be baked and sliced open, which is what these people wish to do to everyone who is not like them. Then they stuff the potato with butter that has been literally squeezed from the mammary glands of cows who are kept as slaves and daily groped by their oppressors. These villains also put cheese and bacon inside the potato, which are also products of violence and cruelty to the true possessors of our planet who have been enslaved by human parasites. These people only like potatoes because they can use them as a platform for animal cruelty and for promoting cancer and heart disease. We can only hope more of them get heart disease, which would be a just outcome for the precious pig lives that were lost in service to their gluttony.
Hasbro tacitly acknowledges the vile history of their product by admitting in their press release: “The way the brand currently exists — with the 'Mr.' and 'Mrs.' — is limiting when it comes to both gender identity and family structure.” Thus not only will the line be renamed, the parts will be repackaged and sold in Create Your Own Potato Head Family sets with “enough potatoes and accessories for kids to create all types of families.” Nevertheless, Hasbro said the names of the individual figures of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head would remain, an indication that though this may be a step in the right direction, it is only a small and entirely inadequate step. It is, at the very least, ignorant and, at worst, a ploy to hide their plan to continue brainwashing children with cisgendered, heteronormative, western values of oppression.
This is unacceptable. Retaining Mr. and Mrs. as names for the two main figures is unjust, abusive, hurtful, and dangerous. The inclusion of moustaches to differentiate potatoes that are naturally androgenous is even more disgusting, especially since so many male oppressors flaunt their masculinity with facial hair as a symbol of their gender inflexibility. But has Hasbro forgotten that women have moustaches too? And not just post-menopausal women but heroic women, women born in male bodies, women who had the courage not to bow the knee to biological systems built on hate but to acknowledge their femaleness when the rest of the world saw maleness. These heroic women have moustaches and penises, just as some heroic men have periods. Hasbro is committing an act of violence by retaining Mr. and Mrs. and the associated accessories to distinguish only these two genders, but their error gets even worse.
The entire Potato Head line, no matter what it is called, is an unredeemable, unforgivable, and thoroughly despicable example of cis-tubered norms. What of the potato that inwardly knows he is really a tomato? Where are the sweet, golden, russet, red, yellow, purple, and fingerling varieties? White potato supremacy is bigotry. Cis-tubered normativity is hatred to cucumbers who sprout in potato bodies. Unless Hasbro is truly willing to apologize for their many decades of evil and commit to listening long and hard to the starches they have oppressed and abused, this rebranding is meaningless posturing. Until that changes, the Potato Head line and Hasbro as a whole should be cancelled. --JME
